Review: Machete

Posted on September 23, 2011 by The Goat

MACHETE (2010)

IMDB 7/10
ROTTENTOMATOES  73%

Another offspring of the Tarantino/Rodriguez GRINDHOUSE effort, MACHETE is a Rodriguez film that promises blade-wielding mayhem, but comes up a bit dull.

First of all…it does have a huge cast including Steven Seagal, Robert De Niro, Detective James “Sonny” Crockett,  Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez and Jeff “LAWNMOWER MAN” Fahey.  Oh, and did I mention Lindsay Lohan and Cheech Marin?

Second of all…it is written and directed by Robert Rodriguez, who so famously started in the biz by participating as a guinea pig, for experimental drug testing, to raise 7 grand for his first film, EL MARIACHI.  He has since directed a couple dozen films including SIN CITY and all fifty-six SPY KIDS movies.  He knows what he’s doing and he seems willing to let his imagination guide him.

Thirdly of all…there is the whole genre thing.  This being another “fake trailer” from the GRINDHOUSE double feature.  This one promises over-the-top, in-your-face acting, action and effects…without being ashamed to crank up the nudity and violence level.

Sounds intriguing, doesn’t it?  Maybe this Goat just expected more.  The reality of this pitch is not as exciting as the pitch itself.  Sure, there were multiple decapitations… a motorcycle with a machine gun…and every actress has a nude scene, but its 105 minute runtime felt long.  Though it started out cool with action, intense close-ups, and the saturated color and stylized scratches of a 40 year old film, it quickly settled into a dull, clean and generic 2010 production with no sense of urgency…or passion.

Danny Trejo, as Machete, has a remarkable face and seems to have a decent personality in other films, but comes off as wooden and two dimensional…even for this film.  His lack of expression and his anemic dialogue make him a forgettable character lost behind a large cast of prolific actors who are all vying for attention.

If you saw this trailer when you watched DEATH PROOF and PLANET TERROR, you probably also saw the trailer for HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN…and of the two, the Goat would recommend Hobo!

FilmGoat

A+  for the supporting cast

A  for the pitch

D  for not delivering on its hype

A  for being made for only an estimated 10 mill…peanuts for a Hollywood Filmmaker.

C+  Overall…for losing its sense of self along the way.


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Review: Hatchet

Posted on September 15, 2011 by The Goat

HATCHET (2006)

IMDB 5.7/10
ROTTEN TOMATOES  50%

HATCHET…with Kane “Jason Voorhees”  Hodder & Robert “Freddy Krueger” Englund.  Sounds like we’re in for a bunch of teens, lost in the woods, running from a guy with an axe.  Close…but there’s a bit more.

I remember watching DEEP BLUE SEA and I thought it was great having Samuel Jackson (one of the big-name stars of the movie) show up…start to talk…and then get immediately eating by a “smart” shark.  Perfect.

Then recently, the Goat watched the very entertaining PIRANHA 3D.  That one starts off with Richard Dreyfuss, hanging out in a boat, in the middle of a lake, fishing for…what I can only assume is great white shark.  He starts to whistle a tune from JAWS.  Suddenly, he is attacked and gone, never to be seen again in the movie.  Perfect.

Hatchet starts with Robert “ZOMBIE STRIPPERS” Englund in a little boat…fishing.  I’ll shut my pie hole right there.  I’ve said too much already.

So, HATCHET, another film set in Louisiana… a great and naturally spooky location, starts with some generic Mardi Gras footage.  Beads and boobs.  Then we proceed thru the French Quarter  to the Voodoo Shops.  Here’s where we get another excellent cameo… Tony Todd, the CANDYMAN.  Anyway, before long…yes, we are lost in the bayou being chased by THE ELEPHANT MAN with a hatchet.  Fine.

The screenplay is above average, the acting is acceptable, the effects are solid and the film is cool enough to have inspired not only a sequel, but also a threquel.  The Goat would have liked a little more over-the-top humor, like the guy who drinks his own urine…to go with the over-the-top killing, but the film does entertain and having the horror icons splashed in there amongst the “kids, isn’t bad either.

FilmGoat

A  for the cast

B  for the pacing

C  for the “hatchet man”

D  for missed laughs

B-   Overall…worth a look, if only for the understanding of what’s next in 2 and 3.


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Review: The Video Dead

Posted on September 14, 2011 by The Goat

THE VIDEO DEAD (1987)

IMDB  5.0/10
ROTTENTOMATOES  44%?

I met a guy the other day who said this was his favorite movie.  Somehow, I hadn’t seen it.  Now I have.  Is THE VIDEO DEAD the Goats favorite movie…no, but it does have some 80′s zombie movie qualities!

As with all movies made in a different decade, it’s good to acknowledge that up front.  Even STAR WARS with its other “time and place” feel had everyone wearing 70′s shaggy hair and sideburns.  It’s hard to escape pop culture, even if you are in a galaxy far, far away.

Now the world is full of High-Def, 3D, LCD, flat screen TV’s that pick up hundreds of cable channels from around the country and the world, so it may be hard to remember when TV’s were boxy…and black and white.  You’d turn the dial and be happy if you were able to get one channel to come in clear. 

It was a simpler time when parents would travel back from Saudi Arabia while their kids cleaned their new house…and fought off zombies that climbed out of the TV!  Some of THE VIDEO DEAD’s most entertaining qualities may just be the time-capsule quality of a piece of 80′s low-budget horror featuring zombies with “big” hair.  Of course, it’s also fun to watch zombies that make themselves chuckle by killing their victims in creative ways.

That initial shot of the zombie head popping out of the overly lit, smoke-filled TV is awesome!  See…you don’t need a POLTERGEIST budget to show TV-popping creativity!

With an estimated budget of $80,000 (in 1987 dollars) this film is totally worth seeing.  And, though VD Director Robert Scott has since, apparently, found his professional niche as a 1st AD on TV shows like Jag, Heroes, and House MD…maybe he’ll venture back into features to bring us a sequel?

I’d like to see if zombies fit in wall-mounted flat screens.   I know…they could call it…THE BLU-RAY DEAD!

Sure, 1987 brought us the UNTOUCHABLES, FATAL ATTRACTION and LETHAL WEAPON…but it also brought us THE VIDEO DEAD…a nice vehicle for all of those undead actors who had been under-employed since their 1982 THRILLER debut.

 

FilmGoat

C  for production quality

B+  for leaky zombies

A+  for raising the money and making this movie

B  for 80′s hair and having a college major in Aerobics

C+  Overall…it puts the “low” in low-budget, but it’s entertaining and worth seeing, if you like that kind of thing


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Review: Attack The Block

Posted on September 13, 2011 by The Goat

ATTACK THE BLOCK (2011)

IMDB  7.1/10
ROTENTOMATOES  89%

Is this a comedy?  No, ATTACK THE BLOCK is a British, action, comedy, alien, drama, coming-of-age film.  It’s like GOONIES crossed with the WARRIORS.  It’s like RIVER’S EDGE meets ALIENS meets…the MUPPETS.

What this isn’t?  This is no SHAUN OF THE DEAD.  From the producers of SHAUN and starring Nick Frost and a bunch of kids, this film has its moments, but leaves the Goat wanting more.

A gang of teens, in a bad part of town, mug a woman…and then they team up with her to fight aliens. 

Though the production level of this film is pretty high, the heavy accents of the kids mask some of the one-liners and steal some of the humor.  Still, the action sequences are decent and the aliens are…well…hmm.  How do I answer this one?  Did you see SKYLINE?  Apparently the new rage in creature design is to make one feature neon and make the rest of the creature not visible.  At least that was the approach here. 

Call the Goat an ALIEN purist, but where is H.R. Giger when you need him?  All I could think of when watching these dark teddy bears leap around was SPINAL TAP…“it could be none more black.”

Nick Frost was entertaining, as usual.  Have you watched him and Pegg do their youtube scene from STAR WARS?  Now that’s funny!  Watch here…

ATTACK THE BLOCK is entertaining and fairly humorous, it’s just no HOT FUZZ, which is good…and bad.  ATB is actually surprisingly serious at times, which makes the overall viewing uneven.  But, in the end, it was good and worth watching if you like Nick Frost, aliens, gangs or Muppets that could be none more black.

In the immortal words of R2D2…”BLEEP BLOOP.”

FilmGoat

A-  for production

B  for the cast

C-  for the aliens

A+  for there being “too much madness to explain in one text.”

B   Overall…as long as you don’t expect find THE MEANING OF LIFE.


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Review: Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat

Posted on September 12, 2011 by The Goat

BLOOD FEAST 2:  ALL U CAN EAT (2002)

IMDB 5.9/10
ROTTENTOMATOES  45%?

It’s a sequel that stands alone.  A Herschell Gordon Lewis film.  BLOOD FEAST 2 is easy to watch, and slightly hard to stomach.

You want lingerie parties?  Got them.  You want ridiculous characters.  Got them.  You want over-acting?   Got it.  You want gore…got that too. 

In the 60′s & 70′s Lewis directed films like, THE GORE-GORE GIRLS, THE WIZARD OF GORE and…BLOOD FEAST, using a simple recipe of blood mixed with more blood…and maybe some humor…covered in blood. 

“Splatter” films.

BF2 is a return to what began it all.  Is that acting bad?  Well, it isn’t good, but it is rather funny and does have a quality level compatible to the quality of the production.  Blood?  Not only does it have gore, it lingers on it.  After what seems like ten minutes of watching Fuad saw the knife back and forth one victim’s neck, the Goat began to think about how the effect was done.  A fake neck?  No, looks like one of those knives with the neck-shaped cut out of it.  Yup.  Just rock that baby back and forth…while fake blood pumps, of course.

Full of eye-scooping visual effects, no one will say this is a great film, but the Goat will say that it is an entertaining film, especially if you are a reader of Fangoria, or someone who enjoys watching a chef massage raw liver.

FilmGoat

D-  for “real” production

A   for “appropriate” production

B   for an entertaining screenplay

A  for supporting the red food color and corn syrup industries

B  Overall…maybe a B+?  Will there be a Blood Feast 3?  I hope so.


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